The 12 things of Christmas
Moata expunges her Christmas to-do list in the form of a sweary twelve days of Christmas parody. It's just that kind of week.
Content Warning: Contains swears
It's been a minute since I wrote anything which is not to say that there haven't been things worth writing about. There have been plenty. Too many, in fact. Sometimes it feels like I've barely taken a deep inhale to start a rant only for the next batshit thing to come along and suck the air out of my lungs. But that seems very much to be the nature of things during this particular stretch of linear time so I should probably just get used to it.
Anyway, my main area of gripe-hood this week (other than everything) is that I feel like I have Too Many Things to think about and my brain is trying to run at 115% to keep up and failing, resulting in me misremembering things and misplacing important items. I am, perhaps unfairly, also attributing recent poor decision-making at the sale rack in H&M1 to this overextension of my mental faculties.
In order to try and get some sense of control over the frankly unreasonable things I have to think about and worse, do something about, between now and Christmas I made a sort of list and because I am just that kind of weirdo, I wanted to see if I could fit them into a Christmas song.
So here it is folks, The 12 Things of Christmas (or Things I will absolutely forget to do in the lead up to Christmas unless I turn them into a festive earworm). The fact that this is a take on the Twelve Days of Christmas and I've cobbled it together only 7 days before Christmas2 is in keeping with the spirit of the content, I feel. And look, most of these things are pretty achieveable but throw in a bit of time pressure, the occasional 30 degree day, and low level sunburn and it's all a bit much, you know?
On the first day of Christmas could someone remind me to put on some fucking sunscreen?
On the second day of Christmas I need to touch some grass3 and to put on some fucking sunscreen.
On the third day of Christmas I really must refill the ice cube trays, touch some grass, and put on some fucking sunscreen.
On the fourth day of Christmas the Spinoff needs some dough (I should subscribe), make some more ice, touch some grass, and put on some fucking sunscreen.
On the fifth day of Christmas my conscience says I must submit on some bills4... Spinoff membership, make some ice, touch some grass, and put on some fucking sunscreen.
On the sixth day of Christmas my leave is running out (book a holiday programme), submit on some bills... Spinoff membership, make some ice, commune with the grass, and put on some fucking sunscreen.
On the seventh day of Christmas my time is running out to learn furoshiki, book a holiday programme, submit on some bills... Spinoff membership, ice for drinks, touch the dying grass, and put on some fucking sunscreen.
On the eighth day of Christmas I'll donate some kai to the city mission collection, learn furoshiki, book a holiday programme, submit on some bills... Spinoff membership, ice for drinks, collapse onto the grass, and put on some fucking sunscreen.
On the ninth day of Christmas domestic goddess me will make festive cookies, donate to the city mission, learn furoshiki, book a holiday programme, submit on some bills... Spinoff membership, ice for drinks, touch dead lawn, and put on some fucking sunscreen.
On the tenth day of Christmas my next covid jab is due, should I get a jab then? And bake festive cookies, donate to the city mission, learn furoshiki, book a holiday programme, submit on some bills... Spinoff membership, I need a drink, who cares about the grass? And put on some fucking sunscreen.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my mother won't tell me what she bloody wants for a present. Covid vaccination, bake some cookies, donate to city mission, learn furoshiki, book a holiday programme, submit on some bills... Spinoff membership, where'd my drink go? Did I spill it on the grass? Yes, I put on some fucking sunscreen.
On the twelfth day of Christmas I finally lose the plot and go Rage Cage smashing, no gifts for mumsy, covid vaccination, burn some cookies, forget the city mission, give up on furoshiki, too late for holiday programmes, submit on some bills... Spinoff membership, just water now for me, standing barefoot on the grass, and I've drowned myself in fucking sunscreen.
Happy holiday season, ya filthy animals!
1 I swear, when I tried the dress on in the changing room it was saying "I am bohemian and carefree in a loose beachy kind of way" but lo, when I tried it on in my own bedroom it was reading "I have put my pubic hair in a pie and will be impregnated very soon". I look like a deeply unconvincing virgin sacrifice. I guess I own a fancy nightdress now?
2 Technically speaking the Twelve days of Christmas start on Christmas day and end the first week of January but I sure as shit am not stretching this Christmas thing out any longer than Boxing Day... at most I'll go for as long as it takes me to eat the leftover trifle.
3 Not my grass though. I approach large expanses of lawn the same way I do charter schools. You can live or you can die but I'm not giving you any extra resourcing.
4 In particular the Treaty Principles Bill (we have until 7 January). Full list of bills currently open for submissions.
