I love rom-coms (but there are a couple of things I hate)

It's fair to say that I have always been a fan of rom-coms of pretty much all varieties. And now that I'm a single person again, I get to watch as many of them as I want. So I have been. The last couple of years have been very "rom-com heavy". Rom-coms are the cinematic equivalent of the "Repair Shop" in that they are extremely, cosily, formulaic, and there's a good chance that someone's going to cry, but everything will work out in the end for Emma Roberts (and someone's grandad's antique barber-pole/tin wind-up car/pianola).

One of the things I loved so much about Ted Lasso was that the writers were obviously very steeped in romantic comedy "lore", with references to all sorts of rom-com tropes, quotes, and rom-com movie moments from Notting Hill, to When Harry Met Sally, to You've got mail, and many more.

As I said, since I can pretty much watch any rubbish I want these days I've been doing that, sometimes catching up on rom-coms I missed the first time round, like the delightful Cure earworm that is "Just like heaven" with Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo¹, or the absolutely dire "Hope Springs" with Colin Firth and Heather Graham.

Hope Springs is so aggressively bad I nearly stopped watching it

I'm something of a completist so even if I'm not actively enjoying a movie I will generally watch it through to the end just to find out what happens and/or if it starts being enjoyable at some point. I had a bad feeling about 10 minutes into Hope Springs and that bad feeling never went away and I actually muttered "oh my god, this movie is terrible". Out loud. To myself. More than once.

Colin Firth is an artist, handily named "Colin", who lands in a Quirky Little American Town Filled With Colourful Characters™ following a very bad break-up, who then proceeds to fall for Heather Graham's Manic Pixie Dreamgirl, Mandy. The word "manic" in this description is about as apt as it has ever been. Within a day of meeting Colin she has:

• Introduced herself by rubbing his temples and getting him to visualise a safe place
• Picked him up in her Mustang and proceeded to, with no explanation, down so much booze she can't drive any more so he has to drive them home
• Forced Colin's foot down on the accelerator sending them speeding through an intersection narrowing missing a collision, while giggling and whooping (natch)
• Removed all her clothes and danced around just for the joy of being naked (but then sex also happens because, whatchagonnado?)

She also wears a colourful scarf. A COLOURFUL SCARF. And we all know what that means... this lady is a CHARACTER. She's just not a very well-written one.

Would it surprise any of you to know that she's really into butterflies? When she and Colin do eventually marry (at the end of the movie they SPOILER ALERT get engaged) I would put good money on her walking down the aisle to "Butterfly Sugar Baby" by Crazy Town, because that is 100% the vibe of this woman.

Colin, it must be said, is not much better in that he's the lead character but by far the least interesting person in this film, but given what passes for "interesting" here, that is perhaps a mercy.

There's a whole weird sub-plot involving the Mayor (played by Oliver Platt) that doesn't make sense, and Minnie Driver turns up as Colin's Dreadful Ex. Her talents are absolutely wasted in this godawful mess of a film.

Just in case you were considering watching this film - DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM.

Mercifully, like many a rom-com before it, it comes in at well under 2 hours, so at least I only wasted 1 hour 33 minutes on this terrible thing.

The appeal of the rom-com is that they're formulaic

Part of the charm of rom-coms is that they have a basic structure that, though there may be some artistic flourishes thrown in, basically breaks down to:

1. The lovers meet (probably cutely)
2. They hit it off (maybe straight away, maybe after a bit of pretending the don't like each other, either is fine)
3. There Is An Impediment (a misunderstanding, mistake, romantic rival, big storm, lie that is suddenly revealed)
4. Big romantic gesture that overcomes the Impediment (sigh)

Here's the problem that I increasingly have with this though - big romantic gestures... are bullshit. There, I said it.

Running in the rain does not mean someone will be a good romantic partner.

Tricking your ex into coming to meet you, even though they said they never want to see you again, by pretending to be your own cousin, and then giving them a butterfly-shaped engagement ring is not the best foundation for a lasting and healthy marriage².

Writing an article in the paper you work for about how very sorry you are does not make you suddenly trustworthy.

Standing with a boombox outside your ex-girlfriend's house playing "In your eyes" by Peter Gabriel is actually a very annoying thing to do³.

You know what I want to see in a rom-com just one time? Respect for some motherfucking boundaries!

I have a small request of the rom-com gods

Dear rom-com gods, please make a film with a 3rd and 4th act that plays out in the following way:

One of our lovers has overstepped, been dishonest, done a bad thing, or in some other way been disappointing to the extent that the object of their love no longer wants them. They are asked to please go away and leave their ex alone.

In response the guilty party does not hire a sky-writer to create an "I'm sorry" message over their neighbourhood. They do not turn up unexpectedly at their place of work with a dozen red roses and a really very touching speech. They don't call. They don't text. Rather, they go away and try to figure out how they're going to be a less stupid person in future.

Two months later...

The doorbell rings, interrupting the stupid lover who is in the process of trying to learn how to be less stupid (this will probably involve therapy). They open the door to discover the love of their life has returned, and who asks, why did you not call me? You didn't text? You didn't write "please forgive me" in shells on the beach in front of my implausibly expensive and well-appointed house - what gives?

Oh, um. Because you told me not too?

And the previously injured lover says "damn, that's hot".

A tight shot on the lovers in an embrace that says "I respect your boundaries but also want to jump your bones", before they go inside and we pause on the closed door before pulling out to a wide shot of an unrealistically clean looking neighbourhood, as an empowering pop anthem swells over the end credits.

Please? I think this could work. It certainly couldn't be any worse than Hope Springs⁴.

¹ As a rule, I like rom-com Mark Ruffalo to be in proximity to rom-com Jennifer Garner but Reese Witherspoon is right up my rom-com alley in most other respects so I'll allow this one.

² Guess which terrible piece of shit movie this one came from? I bet you can!

³ Lloyd Dobler is still a GC, though.

⁴ Today I learned there are two movies called Hope Springs. The 2003 complete load of crap starring Colin Firth, and a 2012 film with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. I haven't seen the latter so if this is your favourite film please don't come for me!