A tale of two high-fives
If someone doesn't want to high-five you maybe just be cool about it?
I often bike to work and when I do I cut through a neighbourhood park that has a local primary school adjacent to it. At school dropping off time there's a trickle of parents and small kids using the school entrance that backs onto the park so sometimes you have to weave around small family groups, or people with their dogs but I'm not a very high speed cyclist so it's not a drama to navigate at all.
One morning a while back I was biking along and there was a primary school kid on a bike a few metres ahead of me. Ahead of him was a Dad and a tiny wee girl who couldn't have been more than 3 years old who was holding her hand up towards this boy, clearly looking for a high-five from him.
"Awwwh, I'm about to see a cute kid high-five," I thought to myself like the sap that I am.
In fact, the high-five did not occur.
Maybe the kid was in his own little world. Maybe he wasn't confident enough with his bike-riding skills to take a hand off the handlebars. Maybe he was just not having a high-five morning. Whatever the reason, the high-five was denied.
"Well," I thought to myself like the sap that I am, "I can be that tiny girl's high-five partner! I can make her dream a reality! NOT ALL HEROES WEAR CAPES!"
And so, as I approached the spot of the unfulfilled high-five, I held my hand out towards her, already anticipating the good vibes...
... and she turned her tiny body away from me, swinging her previously open palm in the other direction. That high-five... was NOT for ME.
There was something so imperious about the way she revoked the high-five, it put in mind of a certain soup chef.
It was FUCKING HILARIOUS. I could hear her Dad trying to chastise her as I biked away but he was also laughing so I don't think it was any discouragement to her at all. Nor should it be.
I don't know why she didn't want to high-five me. Maybe she just really wanted that high-five to go to the kid on the bike and if he couldn't have it nobody could. Maybe she didn't dig my vibe. Maybe she thinks anyone who rides a Pashley is a wanker1. Impossible to know with any certainty.
What I do know is that this girl is an inspiration. May we all have the self-possession to be this unapologetic about our preferences and how we bestow our favours. As a recovering people-pleaser this was like a shot of pure id to the system. Teach me your ways, Toddler Queen, for I have fallen away from the path of the righteous and said things were "fine, no worries" when they very much weren't fine and there definitely were worries, and I've laughed nervously instead of telling someone to shut the fuck up, and I let someone hug me who absolutely made my skin crawl.
But I am learning.
Because a whiles earlier than this I was on the other side of a high-five that didn't happen and it went quite differently.
It was a Saturday afternoon and I was walking to my local mall when I saw a man coming towards me who seemed keen to engage.
I was not keen to engage. I was in "sunglasses on, earbuds in, minding my own business, thanks" mode. I think he said "kia ora" and I don't remember if I acknowledged him or not but then he put his arm up as he came toward me and because he was on one side of me and a six foot garden wall was on the other it kind of felt like I had no room to manoeuvre, like I was being forced into this high-five. And I didn't like that so I veered away from, and under his arm. I was very obviously intentionally avoiding the high-five.
And so, as I passed him, this man patted me on the shoulder. As if to say, "oh, did you think you were going to get away with not making physical contact with me, a complete stranger? Missy, you don't get to make that call. If I want to touch you I WILL."
The rage descended upon me in a nanosecond and I whirled around and screamed, fully screamed at him, "Don't fucking touch me, you PSYCHO!"2
And I'm quite sure that I looked un-fucking-hinged to the people at the bus stop and I didn't care. At all. And I still don't, and if I had to do it all again I would include more swears.
So what I'm saying is, if someone doesn't want to high-five you maybe just respect the fuck out of them and be cool about it instead of whatever that was. More bowing down to the Toddler Queens of the world, less touching strangers who are clearly not into that, you know?
1 That's a sophisticated opinion for a preschooler to have but I'd struggle to argue against it, frankly. It is kind of wanky.
2 I understand that there's a portion of the Internet that will consider this a gross overreaction but as a counsellor once said to me, "there's no overreacting, there's just reacting, and things probably happened to you to make you feel that strongly". Which, yes, I am very protective of my boundaries for reasons, let's leave it at that.
